I decided that I would do something today, anything. As soon as I woke up I got ready and made some toast. It wasn’t as good as the toast Billy made for me, but it was alright. I also had a glass of orange juice to wash it down with; I’ve been having some weird cravings for orange things lately. I went back to my room to collect my mobile and my money and left the house. I didn’t even check the time when I woke up, as soon as I looked at my mobile I realised that it was only 7:36am. I really had no idea what I was going to do today, it was freezing too, and the pavements were covered in glass ice. I managed to find a path with some grass running along the side of it so that I could walk on that instead. I just walked straight ahead for about two hours, I’ve always wanted to do this and finally I did. I ended up in a park with a play area. No one was around considering the time and the weather so I sat on a swing and thought of Billy.
I thought about what it would be like if he was here with me. I thought about how he would throw the snow off me. I thought about how he would wrap his arms around me and keep me warm. I need him here. I just kept thinking about him on that swing, I thought about him so much that I started to cry. It wasn’t that heavy, the crying. I could control it quite well, it was the thoughts that I had no power over. My mind just kept wandering around, coming up with situations where Billy would end up hating me, or falling out with me, things like that. I bit down hard on my bottom lip to try and distract me. It started to bleed, quite a lot actually. I sucked on the wound until it stopped, I wish it didn’t stop though; I really like the taste of my blood. I’ve always wondered if other people’s blood tasted the same as mine, I guess there is only one way to find out. Billy did mention that he is masochist a couple times before; maybe he likes the taste of blood then? If he decides to phone me then I’ll ask him.
By the time I moved off the swing to go get a drink it was 11:42am, my day was going so slow. I went to the nearest shop and bought myself a bottle of diet coke - it was £1.09. I felt pretty ripped off but I was so thirsty and there was no orange juice. I had a good look through my wallet when I left the shop to see just how much money I had. The total amount I had was a hefty £2.96, then I realised that I had my bankcard with me so I walked to the bank to see if I had any money left over in it. I was quite surprised that I had £80.50 in there. I withdrew £40 and caught a bus to town.
Sitting on the bus I realised that frail old aged pensioners would rather walk up the stairs than sit next to me. I don’t even look that bad today. No one sat next to me on the bus, again so I just lay against the window and put my feet up. I got a few dirty looks but it was their own fault for judging me. I got off the bus and decided to look in the nearby shops for something that would keep me busy whilst Billy was away. I tried a few different shops and I asked the people who worked there, they either told me to learn an instrument or draw. I really didn’t want to do either of these. I then came across an entertainment shop so I walked in there optimistically. Of course I walked straight over to the DVD section, I wanted to find a DVD with a long running time that could actually keep my full concentration. Then it hit me, short films. I went to look for some and I came across a DVD with 16 short films on from around the world. How perfect. I read the back of it and fell in love with it. I then noticed the price - £22.99. There was no way that I was going to leave the shop without it though, so I bought it there and then.
I felt a bit peckish since I last ate over six hours ago so I went to a small coffee shop. Originally I wanted a gingerbread latte, but they ran out. So I asked for an eggnog latte, they ran out of that too. I ended up with a caramel hot chocolate and banana muffin. I sat down at a table in the corner just under a light. I sat on the biggest chair so that I could place my feet on the seat too. I opened up my new DVD and pulled out the pamphlet that came with it. I started to read the synopsis off the first film when my phone rang. It was Billy.
“Billy!” I squealed. “How are you?”
“Hello to you too! I’m doing absolutely fine, how about you?”
“Oh yes, I’m doing great, I just miss you so much”
“I miss you too James, I always do”
I didn’t know what to say to him so I just smiled. Then I realised that I was on the phone so I had to reply, as he couldn’t see my smile.
“So how’s it going down south?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m very bored and there is actually nothing at all to do here, there’s nobody my age here either. I wish that you came with me” He sighed.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be back here soon then we can make up for lost time” I reassured him.
“Haha, I know exactly what you meant by that you dirty boy.”
I really didn’t know what I could say back to him that wouldn’t cause the people sitting near me to give me weird looks, I’ve already have enough of those today.
“Hmmm” I pondered, and then I remembered that question I was going to ask him “Do you like blood?”
Saying that made an old lady turn around and look at me, I stared her out though. This was my conversation.
“Yes, yes I do” he answered.
“So you’d let me try yours?”
“Slow down there cowboy!” He laughed.
“I’ll just take that as a maybe then”.
“Take it how you like, I don’t mind”
I could imagine what he would be like if I were having this conversation face to face to with him. He would be running his fingers down my arms and winking at everything, just to confuse me.
“What day you coming back again?” I asked.
“The 26th! I guess it’s only five days we have to wait but we can old out can’t we?”
“We sorta have to, unless you have a teleportation device”.
He didn’t answer this straight away, so I thought he didn’t understand my sarcasm at first. That was until I heard his heavy breathing.
“Are you doing what I think you’re doing Billy?”
His reply to this was just a long moan. I’d never had an erection in public up until then; it was pretty embarrassing.
“I’m sorry James, your voice is just so sexy. I’m not even joking”
“Uhh” I hesitated. “Thank you?”
“No. Thank you James, and yes I did just wink then in case you didn’t get it.”
“But I always get you Billy”.
Our conversation died down after about twenty more minutes so we said out goodbyes and hung up. I’m so glad I spoke to him; it really made my day. I finished up my drink and left the café smiling. I felt so good that I decided to walk home, even if it was still icy and over five miles away. I got home around 5pm and went straight to my bedroom. I then masturbated over Billy and what he done whilst talking to me on the phone. It was, well interesting to say the least. I can’t wait until he gets back home.
I finished off the day by watching a short film off one my new DVD’s; it disturbed me. It was called ‘La Vieille dame et les pigeons’ and Sylvain Chomet directed it. He is a French animator who made this film in Canada so it’s half French, half Canadian. Basically it’s about a story about a starving gendarme and his desperate attempt to get food. He strolls through the park one day and sees a very short, old lady feeding pigeons wonderful delicacies. He follows her home and notes down where she lives, he goes back to the park and takes home one of the many plump pigeons. Once he is back at home he plucks the bird and makes it into a large pigeon mask for himself. The next day he dresses up as a pigeon, complete with the mask and goes over to the old lady’s home. She invites him in and sits him down at her dining table. She walks into her kitchen and brings him a cup of tea and some biscuits. The man gets angry because the old lady feeds the pigeons better food than this, so he throws it off the table. The old lady then goes back into the kitchen and brings him a whole roast dinner. She shows him a photo album of the pigeons that she likes (her only friends), but he simply ignores her and concentrates on eating. Once he is finished he walks out of her house without saying thank you.
The next day he returns and she cooks him a similar dinner. A few months go by and the man keeps going back, but he is getting larger and larger each time. On Christmas Eve when he turns up at the old lady’s house, he eats a Christmas meal and then waits for his desert. He goes for a drink but realises that he has no wine left so he goes into her kitchen to find her. When he squeezes his way through the narrow corridors he notices that she isn’t in the room so he goes and drinks her best whiskey. He falls onto the floor and he hears a noise coming from the next room so he stands up and goes to investigate. The old lady is sharpening a pair of sheers on a metal wheel. He looks scared and his eyes follow the old lady as she puts down the sheers and gives a big meal to another man dressed up as a cat. He accidentally makes a noise and the old lady picks up the sheers and runs after him, trying to kill him. He tries pulling off his mask to show that he is actually human and not a pigeon but since he gained so much weight, he cannot get it off. They chase each other for a while and the old lady finally pushes him out of a window. He tries flapping his fake wings, but he falls to the ground. He then gets up and walks away. The summer comes along and he is back in the park, looking as thin as ever pretending to be a pigeon.
That’s it, that’s the whole story. It’s pretty daunting knowing that this could happen to someone, it’s also creepy because you don’t find out what happens to that old lady. It just scared me, the whole film. By the end of it I was sweating and I was too scared to move. It was all animated too, which made it a little worse as it is so hyperbolic. I don’t think that I will be able to sleep properly tonight because of it. The old lady was just so deceiving, oh I don’t know. I bet if Billy watched it with me I wouldn’t have been so scared.
James.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
20th December 2009
I really don’t have much to say about today, but I still wanted you to know about it. Since I’ve been writing this for almost a week now, I feel the need to update you about every detail about my day. It wouldn’t be right if I missed a day out, it just wouldn’t. I’d probably get so angry I’d delete the full blog so far. I can assure you that this won’t be happening anytime soon.
So about today, I’ve had what you can call a ‘lazy day’. I probably have about 10 a year or something like that. Basically, it’s where you just stay in bed all day (expect getting food/going to the toilet) and you do nothing. All you really do is nap and think. I did watch some TV and read a book that Angelica lent me. I’m almost finished it and I can safely say that it is my favourite book at the minute. It’s called The Perks of being A Wallflower, which is written by ‘Stephen Chbosky’. I guess that’s what inspired me to write this blog, so thank you. I wish that I had more friends who read books. I don’t really know what genre I’m interested in. Whenever people recommend me books though, they always recommend me books based on my personality and I always end up liking them. I should just make friends with a librarian, that would be a lot simpler, but also a little weird.
I’m just going to talk about my friends a little more because my day has been really boring and nothing at all has happened. First off, I should talk about Angelica because I’ve just mentioned her before. Today she received a present from a guy called Duncan who loves her; he really does love her a lot. Inside the box, it was filled with rose petals, red and pink ones. She dug down further into the box and found a handmade boom box. For those of you who have seen the film Say Anything, you will know the significance of it. It’s Angelicas favourite film of all time, and it always reminds her of Duncan. In my opinion, handmade things are always the best; they just show how much effort someone is willing to put in for you. The next item she pulled out of the box was a glass box with her favourite quote from that film engraved onto it – ‘I gave her my heart and she gave me pen’. When she was telling me this story, I was starting to get teary eyed! I just couldn’t believe how much effort he put into this. He also wrote her letter, but she didn’t tell me what he wrote because well it’s personal. I didn’t mind, I’d probably do that same if I ever received something like that.
She opened the glass box and inside was a piece of fabric; she pulled it out and unwrapped it. There was a note inside that just said ‘I love you’, I didn’t even know what to say when she told me this, I just literally stared in disbelief. She then opened up the glass box and found that there was an IPod touch inside of it; I just cannot believe how much money he spent on her! I wouldn’t ever spend that much money on anyone. Well I would, if I had that money, you know what I mean. She turned on the IPod and a video started playing, it was the film ‘Say Anything’. Duncan couldn’t have given her anything better; even I was surprised at what he gave her. I was expecting something nice, but nothing like this.
Whilst Angelica was opening her present, Duncan was just sitting on the end of her bed biting his bottom lip. I wish I knew him so that I could have asked what he was thinking about and how he was feeling. I’m not going to go into much detail, mainly because I don’t know much of the detail but yes; they ended up having sex. She said it was fantastic and she wouldn’t have changed a thing. I wish I did know more of the detail though; I’ve always wanted to write about sex.
That’s just about it for that story, well that is it actually. I’m getting pretty tired now so I’ll just leave it at that. Hopefully something interesting will happen. I hope Billy phones me or something.
James.
So about today, I’ve had what you can call a ‘lazy day’. I probably have about 10 a year or something like that. Basically, it’s where you just stay in bed all day (expect getting food/going to the toilet) and you do nothing. All you really do is nap and think. I did watch some TV and read a book that Angelica lent me. I’m almost finished it and I can safely say that it is my favourite book at the minute. It’s called The Perks of being A Wallflower, which is written by ‘Stephen Chbosky’. I guess that’s what inspired me to write this blog, so thank you. I wish that I had more friends who read books. I don’t really know what genre I’m interested in. Whenever people recommend me books though, they always recommend me books based on my personality and I always end up liking them. I should just make friends with a librarian, that would be a lot simpler, but also a little weird.
I’m just going to talk about my friends a little more because my day has been really boring and nothing at all has happened. First off, I should talk about Angelica because I’ve just mentioned her before. Today she received a present from a guy called Duncan who loves her; he really does love her a lot. Inside the box, it was filled with rose petals, red and pink ones. She dug down further into the box and found a handmade boom box. For those of you who have seen the film Say Anything, you will know the significance of it. It’s Angelicas favourite film of all time, and it always reminds her of Duncan. In my opinion, handmade things are always the best; they just show how much effort someone is willing to put in for you. The next item she pulled out of the box was a glass box with her favourite quote from that film engraved onto it – ‘I gave her my heart and she gave me pen’. When she was telling me this story, I was starting to get teary eyed! I just couldn’t believe how much effort he put into this. He also wrote her letter, but she didn’t tell me what he wrote because well it’s personal. I didn’t mind, I’d probably do that same if I ever received something like that.
She opened the glass box and inside was a piece of fabric; she pulled it out and unwrapped it. There was a note inside that just said ‘I love you’, I didn’t even know what to say when she told me this, I just literally stared in disbelief. She then opened up the glass box and found that there was an IPod touch inside of it; I just cannot believe how much money he spent on her! I wouldn’t ever spend that much money on anyone. Well I would, if I had that money, you know what I mean. She turned on the IPod and a video started playing, it was the film ‘Say Anything’. Duncan couldn’t have given her anything better; even I was surprised at what he gave her. I was expecting something nice, but nothing like this.
Whilst Angelica was opening her present, Duncan was just sitting on the end of her bed biting his bottom lip. I wish I knew him so that I could have asked what he was thinking about and how he was feeling. I’m not going to go into much detail, mainly because I don’t know much of the detail but yes; they ended up having sex. She said it was fantastic and she wouldn’t have changed a thing. I wish I did know more of the detail though; I’ve always wanted to write about sex.
That’s just about it for that story, well that is it actually. I’m getting pretty tired now so I’ll just leave it at that. Hopefully something interesting will happen. I hope Billy phones me or something.
James.
Monday, 21 December 2009
19th December 2009
I almost didn’t write this entry today. Today was weird, it’s snowing outside for the first time this year and I hate the cold. But then again, I hate the heat and my house is boiling, I can’t win. I’m missing Billy already, which is a little stupid because he only left this morning. All I’ve done is moped around my bedroom, which is disgustingly messy. There are so many empty bottles all over my floor, mainly Buxton water. My floor is also covered in clothes, paper, post and wires. I really need to tidy up but I have no energy at all, either that or I’m just getting lazier. I can’t even be bothered to work that one out.
It’s the first day of my Christmas holidays and it still doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. I guess I just dislike Christmas. I’d say hate, but it’s only the commercialisation bit that I hate, it ruins most holidays. I like Halloween the best, just thought I’d let you know. Christmas should only really be celebrated by the believers of Jesus, call me old fashioned but that’s why view on it. I hate it how the majority of families pretend that they are happy just because it’ a certain time of the year. It’s just not right, at all.
Last night was Angelica’s party, nothing really happened though. We spoke, drank and ate. I’m saying it was bad, it really wasn’t! Just nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Moving on... I went to see Billy this morning before he left, I’m so glad that I did. I phoned him up yesterday to arrange when to meet him because I really couldn’t cope over the holidays if I didn’t see him. He told me that he was leaving at 7am. I freaked out a little bit at first because I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it over to see him, but then I realised that I could easily sneak out. He told me that he wanted to take a picture of us two together when we met so that he could look at it when he was away. I liked the thought of this idea; photographs always make everything seem real. Sometimes whenever something great has just happened I think back about it and I question whether it really took place or not.
I went to bed extra early so that I could have the most time as possible with him. I would have met up with him last night but he was visiting another relative, that’s why he didn’t attend college that day. I woke up this morning at 3am and got ready in the record time of 20 minutes. I didn’t really have to do much though. I don’t wear pyjamas so I could just slip into my clothes and I don’t style my hair so that was about it. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I’m not that weird. I didn’t try and escape the house in any fun way; I just unlocked the front door and walked out of it. Last night I was trying to think up James Bond ways to get out of the house but I really couldn’t be bothered to follow through with any of them. It took me 23 minutes to walk to his house, it normally takes me about ten but all the roads/pavements were icy. He was still asleep when I got there so I threw a couple small rocks off his bedroom window. I was so scared in case they broke or marked the window but they didn’t, so it was all good.
He eventually woke up and opened his bedroom window.
“Hello gorgeous” he sleepily said whilst winking.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
“Of course, I’ll just go open the back door now”.
I walked around his house and got to the door. I’ve never seen his back garden before, I didn’t realise that it was going to be this big. There were so many different types of flowers in the garden and in the centre of it all was a pond. Since it was freezing, the water was frozen solid and there was a small toy ship lying on top of it. Billy opened the door and told me to be a quiet as I can. I took off my shoes and slid into the living room. He has laminate flooring so it’s really slippery when you’re wearing socks. I like doing this but Billy just gives me a weird look.
We tiptoed up to his bedroom and got into his bed. We just lay there cuddling to get warm again for about five minutes or so. Billy was wearing an old, worn out Dir en grey t-shirt and a pair of blue pyjama bottoms. He also had a hat on which I’m sure he didn’t have on when I saw him through the window. I looked over at the clock and it said ‘04:17’, time was going fast so I decided to confront him about how I felt about him.
“Can I ask you something Billy?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
“How do you feel about me?”
He moved around a little bit in the bed and looked at me.
“You know how I feel about you…”
“I don’t, I really don’t. That’s why I’m asking”
I felt a little uneasy at the long silences that were proceeding. Still looking at me, Billy pulled me closer into him and kissed me softly on my lips.
“You know that I love you…”
He smiled at me then dug his head into my chest so I couldn’t see his face anymore. I didn’t reply to him, I just snuggled into him and fell asleep.
We were woken up about two hours later by his mum; thank goodness it wasn’t his dad who came into the room. His mum knows that he is gay and she is totally fine with it. Billy stretched out a little bit and I felt something stick into my leg. I knew exactly what it was so I pretended to still be asleep. My heart was racing. To make matters worse, he started rubbing it against me, I half opened my eyes and I saw him smirk at me. I tried to budge backwards but he still had his arm around me. I’d never been so nervous in my whole life.
It turned out okay in the end though; he got up and changed right in front of me. It was fascinating to see him change his clothes, I have no idea why, it just was. I eventually rolled out of bed and followed him downstairs. He made me two slices of toast and butter and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate them. We soon finished them and I noticed we had less than twenty minutes together. I helped him wash up the plates and cutlery then we went outside to have a smoke. Well, when I say we, I mean he had a smoke and I watched him. It was snowing when we got outside so we sat on the bench near the end of the garden. It had a tree dangling over the top of it so we were kept dry. He leaned against me and propped up his feet on the armrest.
“I’m gonna to miss you so much when I’m away”
“I’m going to miss so much more” I replied.
He pulled out his digital camera and asked if he could take a photograph of us, of course I agreed. I get really panicky when people take photos of me because I never know if I should smile or not. I decided that for this picture I should smile, because I’m happy inside so I should show it. That sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true. I think he took about 20 different pictures at different angles and lengths, I hope I looked all right on them. He then asked me for my address, I asked him why but he said it’s a surprise.
His mum called us from the house and said that they had to leave now; I looked over at Billy and made a sad face. I must have looked pretty stupid because I was freezing and I couldn’t really move my face much. We kissed goodbye there and then because we couldn’t really do it in front of his parents. I stood and watched them drive away in the car, and that was it. No more Billy until next week.
James.
It’s the first day of my Christmas holidays and it still doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. I guess I just dislike Christmas. I’d say hate, but it’s only the commercialisation bit that I hate, it ruins most holidays. I like Halloween the best, just thought I’d let you know. Christmas should only really be celebrated by the believers of Jesus, call me old fashioned but that’s why view on it. I hate it how the majority of families pretend that they are happy just because it’ a certain time of the year. It’s just not right, at all.
Last night was Angelica’s party, nothing really happened though. We spoke, drank and ate. I’m saying it was bad, it really wasn’t! Just nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Moving on... I went to see Billy this morning before he left, I’m so glad that I did. I phoned him up yesterday to arrange when to meet him because I really couldn’t cope over the holidays if I didn’t see him. He told me that he was leaving at 7am. I freaked out a little bit at first because I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it over to see him, but then I realised that I could easily sneak out. He told me that he wanted to take a picture of us two together when we met so that he could look at it when he was away. I liked the thought of this idea; photographs always make everything seem real. Sometimes whenever something great has just happened I think back about it and I question whether it really took place or not.
I went to bed extra early so that I could have the most time as possible with him. I would have met up with him last night but he was visiting another relative, that’s why he didn’t attend college that day. I woke up this morning at 3am and got ready in the record time of 20 minutes. I didn’t really have to do much though. I don’t wear pyjamas so I could just slip into my clothes and I don’t style my hair so that was about it. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I’m not that weird. I didn’t try and escape the house in any fun way; I just unlocked the front door and walked out of it. Last night I was trying to think up James Bond ways to get out of the house but I really couldn’t be bothered to follow through with any of them. It took me 23 minutes to walk to his house, it normally takes me about ten but all the roads/pavements were icy. He was still asleep when I got there so I threw a couple small rocks off his bedroom window. I was so scared in case they broke or marked the window but they didn’t, so it was all good.
He eventually woke up and opened his bedroom window.
“Hello gorgeous” he sleepily said whilst winking.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
“Of course, I’ll just go open the back door now”.
I walked around his house and got to the door. I’ve never seen his back garden before, I didn’t realise that it was going to be this big. There were so many different types of flowers in the garden and in the centre of it all was a pond. Since it was freezing, the water was frozen solid and there was a small toy ship lying on top of it. Billy opened the door and told me to be a quiet as I can. I took off my shoes and slid into the living room. He has laminate flooring so it’s really slippery when you’re wearing socks. I like doing this but Billy just gives me a weird look.
We tiptoed up to his bedroom and got into his bed. We just lay there cuddling to get warm again for about five minutes or so. Billy was wearing an old, worn out Dir en grey t-shirt and a pair of blue pyjama bottoms. He also had a hat on which I’m sure he didn’t have on when I saw him through the window. I looked over at the clock and it said ‘04:17’, time was going fast so I decided to confront him about how I felt about him.
“Can I ask you something Billy?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
“How do you feel about me?”
He moved around a little bit in the bed and looked at me.
“You know how I feel about you…”
“I don’t, I really don’t. That’s why I’m asking”
I felt a little uneasy at the long silences that were proceeding. Still looking at me, Billy pulled me closer into him and kissed me softly on my lips.
“You know that I love you…”
He smiled at me then dug his head into my chest so I couldn’t see his face anymore. I didn’t reply to him, I just snuggled into him and fell asleep.
We were woken up about two hours later by his mum; thank goodness it wasn’t his dad who came into the room. His mum knows that he is gay and she is totally fine with it. Billy stretched out a little bit and I felt something stick into my leg. I knew exactly what it was so I pretended to still be asleep. My heart was racing. To make matters worse, he started rubbing it against me, I half opened my eyes and I saw him smirk at me. I tried to budge backwards but he still had his arm around me. I’d never been so nervous in my whole life.
It turned out okay in the end though; he got up and changed right in front of me. It was fascinating to see him change his clothes, I have no idea why, it just was. I eventually rolled out of bed and followed him downstairs. He made me two slices of toast and butter and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate them. We soon finished them and I noticed we had less than twenty minutes together. I helped him wash up the plates and cutlery then we went outside to have a smoke. Well, when I say we, I mean he had a smoke and I watched him. It was snowing when we got outside so we sat on the bench near the end of the garden. It had a tree dangling over the top of it so we were kept dry. He leaned against me and propped up his feet on the armrest.
“I’m gonna to miss you so much when I’m away”
“I’m going to miss so much more” I replied.
He pulled out his digital camera and asked if he could take a photograph of us, of course I agreed. I get really panicky when people take photos of me because I never know if I should smile or not. I decided that for this picture I should smile, because I’m happy inside so I should show it. That sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true. I think he took about 20 different pictures at different angles and lengths, I hope I looked all right on them. He then asked me for my address, I asked him why but he said it’s a surprise.
His mum called us from the house and said that they had to leave now; I looked over at Billy and made a sad face. I must have looked pretty stupid because I was freezing and I couldn’t really move my face much. We kissed goodbye there and then because we couldn’t really do it in front of his parents. I stood and watched them drive away in the car, and that was it. No more Billy until next week.
James.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
18th December 2009
I’ve decided that I like buying presents, rather than receiving them. Seeing their reactions on their faces whilst opening them is unforgettable, it almost makes me want to spend all my money on them. It’s one of my old friends birthday soon and I’ve bought him some amazing presents. So have Elena and Lily actually, we all have. I’m not quite sure how he will react with what he gets off us, I hope he likes them, I really do. I know that he will not get much else off other people so we’re trying to make up for that fact and getting him quite a few bits and bobs.
Today was the last of college for me and I was so excited for it yesterday, but now I can safely say that it wasn’t so good. I had double film first, the only lesson that I’m passionate about, the only lesson that I actually enjoy, but it was ruined because of a couple of show-offs. They don’t deserve to be in that lesson, they really don’t. We had to create a quiz so the rest of the class could answer them and of course I added in a question about Dir en grey because that’s what I would do in any situation. I also added in another question about an Asian band, Elena added in a couple serial killer questions and the rest were just filled with general knowledge. When the questions were being asked they kept making remarks about how stupid Asians were and just generally taking the complete and utter piss. I hate swearing but I guess it’s appropriate at this point. We got their answer sheet to mark and Elena noticed that the majority of their answers said ‘chink’, barely scribbled out either. I know that they were doing this just to annoy me, like always. It’s not even the fact that they were racist, but I didn’t have any questions relating to anything Chinese, I asked questions about Korean and Japanese bands. It just so happens that my team won the quiz so I guess that was a good thing.
Billy wasn’t in today either, the last day of college and he didn’t even bother to show up. I know that I won’t see him until after Christmas now either because he’s going down to London to see his Grandma tomorrow. I should go over to his house after college, but were all going to Angelica’s for a little get together. I’m friends with everyone who is going apart from one girl called Lacy, we did used to be friends though, it wasn’t always this bad. We felt out in the summer last year because she went out with a rapist, even though he was more than double her age and she knew he was a pervert. It was all really dark and surreal when we argued over them together, but in the end she chose him. She’s still with him to this day, which just shows how much she values her friends.
This blog isn’t a very happy one today so ill try and make it a little more exciting by telling you more about Billy and how our relationship developed.
I started going over to Billy’s house everyday after college and we would just talk about anything and everything. We talked a lot, sometimes too much. One Thursday afternoon we both skipped our last lessons and walked over to his house, it was absolutely freezing so he gave me his coat to wear. Little did I know that that day was going to change my life. I’d always thought that I would marry a woman and we would have three children. We would live in the countryside and have a peaceful life together until we moved on into the next life. Billy changed my whole idea about this.
We got upstairs to his room and he poured me a glass of Jack Daniels, (I’d started drinking this a lot by then) and we sat down on his bed. His bed sheets had been changed to a dark red colour, rather than the green that was on them before, I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, sorry. He started talking about some new magazine that has came out called ‘Freeze’, it was about some new videogame that had recently been released. Billy is obsessed with videogames; it’s best not to even go into detail about this. We had another drink and then lay down. We just lay there in silence for about ten minutes. We didn’t dare move or talk. It was rather beautiful. I started feeling a little sleepy after a while so I sat up, looked at Billy then walked over to his CD Player. Billy sat up with crossed legs and watched my every move. I put the song ‘Vinushka’ on by Dir en grey and joined him on the bed. I also sat with crossed legs sitting directly opposite him, like the first time we met.
The song started playing and Billy mimed the words as they came on. My eyes were fixated on his lips as he moved them; he knew every word by heart. As the song played and the tone of Kyo’s voice got angrier, Billy’s face turned serious. He never took his eyes off me once and started going red off the effort he was putting in. I didn’t know what the lyrics meant at the time so I was trying to work out whether he was miming them because they were relevant to him. As soon as Kyo started whispering the lyrics, Billy started to do this too; I was happy to hear his voice again. He grabbed my hands just as he started to scream at me, I felt so secure with him. Billy squeezed my hands and I knew that he wanted me to join in with him. I didn’t know the lyrics that well so I kind of made them up as I went along, I don’t think he noticed this. Our voices grew louder and louder until they overpowered the actual song and we moved our faces closer to each other until we could feel each other’s breath. As the song died down he pushed me down backwards and lay down on top of me, I didn’t care what he was going to do. Everything was perfect. I’ve never felt so attached to a guy in my whole life.
The song started again and I closed my eyes. I have no idea why I done this, I don’t think I was supposed to do this, it just happened. I felt him move his head next to mine on the pillow and he whispered the Japanese lyrics into my ear. It was only when I got home and researched the lyrics that I realised he said this to me;
“I've stared at the strong shining moon long enough to be bored
can't even turn myself into a werewolf
But just enough to become crazy by the darkness
I want to suck the neck
The emptiness of the remains
I won't let you sleep
At the age where you just want attention...tonight I might go crazy for you”
He then kissed my neck ever so softly. I even let out a moan whilst he was doing this. He moved up over my chin and then kissed me on the lips, I was a little nervous as first but I joined in soon enough. Our kiss seemed like it lasted forever, it was positively exquisite.
He pulled away from me and smiled. It’s amazing to think how much confidence he actually has, at college he puts of such a front. I honestly don’t think many people have seen this side of him, but im glad that they haven’t seen him like this.
I need him.
James.
Today was the last of college for me and I was so excited for it yesterday, but now I can safely say that it wasn’t so good. I had double film first, the only lesson that I’m passionate about, the only lesson that I actually enjoy, but it was ruined because of a couple of show-offs. They don’t deserve to be in that lesson, they really don’t. We had to create a quiz so the rest of the class could answer them and of course I added in a question about Dir en grey because that’s what I would do in any situation. I also added in another question about an Asian band, Elena added in a couple serial killer questions and the rest were just filled with general knowledge. When the questions were being asked they kept making remarks about how stupid Asians were and just generally taking the complete and utter piss. I hate swearing but I guess it’s appropriate at this point. We got their answer sheet to mark and Elena noticed that the majority of their answers said ‘chink’, barely scribbled out either. I know that they were doing this just to annoy me, like always. It’s not even the fact that they were racist, but I didn’t have any questions relating to anything Chinese, I asked questions about Korean and Japanese bands. It just so happens that my team won the quiz so I guess that was a good thing.
Billy wasn’t in today either, the last day of college and he didn’t even bother to show up. I know that I won’t see him until after Christmas now either because he’s going down to London to see his Grandma tomorrow. I should go over to his house after college, but were all going to Angelica’s for a little get together. I’m friends with everyone who is going apart from one girl called Lacy, we did used to be friends though, it wasn’t always this bad. We felt out in the summer last year because she went out with a rapist, even though he was more than double her age and she knew he was a pervert. It was all really dark and surreal when we argued over them together, but in the end she chose him. She’s still with him to this day, which just shows how much she values her friends.
This blog isn’t a very happy one today so ill try and make it a little more exciting by telling you more about Billy and how our relationship developed.
I started going over to Billy’s house everyday after college and we would just talk about anything and everything. We talked a lot, sometimes too much. One Thursday afternoon we both skipped our last lessons and walked over to his house, it was absolutely freezing so he gave me his coat to wear. Little did I know that that day was going to change my life. I’d always thought that I would marry a woman and we would have three children. We would live in the countryside and have a peaceful life together until we moved on into the next life. Billy changed my whole idea about this.
We got upstairs to his room and he poured me a glass of Jack Daniels, (I’d started drinking this a lot by then) and we sat down on his bed. His bed sheets had been changed to a dark red colour, rather than the green that was on them before, I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, sorry. He started talking about some new magazine that has came out called ‘Freeze’, it was about some new videogame that had recently been released. Billy is obsessed with videogames; it’s best not to even go into detail about this. We had another drink and then lay down. We just lay there in silence for about ten minutes. We didn’t dare move or talk. It was rather beautiful. I started feeling a little sleepy after a while so I sat up, looked at Billy then walked over to his CD Player. Billy sat up with crossed legs and watched my every move. I put the song ‘Vinushka’ on by Dir en grey and joined him on the bed. I also sat with crossed legs sitting directly opposite him, like the first time we met.
The song started playing and Billy mimed the words as they came on. My eyes were fixated on his lips as he moved them; he knew every word by heart. As the song played and the tone of Kyo’s voice got angrier, Billy’s face turned serious. He never took his eyes off me once and started going red off the effort he was putting in. I didn’t know what the lyrics meant at the time so I was trying to work out whether he was miming them because they were relevant to him. As soon as Kyo started whispering the lyrics, Billy started to do this too; I was happy to hear his voice again. He grabbed my hands just as he started to scream at me, I felt so secure with him. Billy squeezed my hands and I knew that he wanted me to join in with him. I didn’t know the lyrics that well so I kind of made them up as I went along, I don’t think he noticed this. Our voices grew louder and louder until they overpowered the actual song and we moved our faces closer to each other until we could feel each other’s breath. As the song died down he pushed me down backwards and lay down on top of me, I didn’t care what he was going to do. Everything was perfect. I’ve never felt so attached to a guy in my whole life.
The song started again and I closed my eyes. I have no idea why I done this, I don’t think I was supposed to do this, it just happened. I felt him move his head next to mine on the pillow and he whispered the Japanese lyrics into my ear. It was only when I got home and researched the lyrics that I realised he said this to me;
“I've stared at the strong shining moon long enough to be bored
can't even turn myself into a werewolf
But just enough to become crazy by the darkness
I want to suck the neck
The emptiness of the remains
I won't let you sleep
At the age where you just want attention...tonight I might go crazy for you”
He then kissed my neck ever so softly. I even let out a moan whilst he was doing this. He moved up over my chin and then kissed me on the lips, I was a little nervous as first but I joined in soon enough. Our kiss seemed like it lasted forever, it was positively exquisite.
He pulled away from me and smiled. It’s amazing to think how much confidence he actually has, at college he puts of such a front. I honestly don’t think many people have seen this side of him, but im glad that they haven’t seen him like this.
I need him.
James.
Thursday, 17 December 2009
17th December 2009
I don’t think that anyone will be able to understand just how much music means to me. If I became deaf for whatever reason, I would seriously consider suicide, that thought is pretty daunting so ill leave it at that. One band in particular called Dir en grey has changed my life in so many ways. They have opened me up to a world of new music and people, their true fans are so devoted to them, and it’s just amazing. In my mind, to be a true fan of band you have to own all of their songs, see them live whenever you get the chance and to have been there from the start. It’s unfortunate that I’ve only been a fan for the past two years; I wish I found out about them when they first started out. But that was in 1997, I would have been five years old and their music really isn’t suitable for a child. When I was five I was struggling with English, never mind Japanese. The lead singer; Kyo is so astonishing I like to think of him as my God, although I’m a practising Buddhist. I’m not doing so well with Buddhism at the minute so I need to reconsider being one. I’m not even going to go more into detail about this just yet; I just thought that you ought to know this.
I’m in college at the moment and I’m struggling to write this, I hate it when people watch me write. I’m scared in case they read this when I’m not finished explaining something and they get the wrong idea and think I’m even weirder than I normally am. It’s okay now though because I’m back at home. Today was alright, not the best of days, I had double English first which would be horrible if it was not for Daisie. I talked to her for the first time today too, but it wasn’t exactly the greatest conversation in the world. We were put into teams and we discussed one of the answers, interesting I know, but it was the first time we properly spoke and it was special nevertheless. In English I didn’t eat anything in the break so my stomach made the most awful noises in the world; I just went red and panicked. I think I had about 6-7 ‘rumbles’ and they were long and loud so I had no way of hiding them. Some other people in the class heard and laughed so I just sunk down into my seat and bit my lip. I actually bled a little bit from the biting but I don’t mind, I love the taste of blood.
The lesson was soon over and I left as soon as I could, I had to wait for my other friend in the class next-door so I just sat at the computers and checked my e-mail. I had an email from Kent University saying that they have acknowledged my application and they would be looking it in the next couple of weeks. It’s the first university that has gotten back to me; it’s also the one I want to go to the least. I can’t wait to get an offer; I just can’t wait to leave Newcastle. Making friends will be the hard part though; I’m not exactly the most sociable person and I wait for them to talk to me first. I might just use my stalking skills and search for some students on the Internet and get to know them online first. I’m sure everything will turn out fine in the end though, it always does.
Today was also Secret Santa at college with my friends I received the most wonderful gifts. My Secret Santa was Elena and she bought me exactly what I wanted; a black knitted scarf, The Inbetweeners box set and a bar of chocolate. Ever since we came up for the idea of doing this I’ve been begging her for the box set and she has always said that she bought me something else instead. It was pretty funny, but in the end I got it and I’m happy!
Billy didn’t take part in the gift swapping as he’s quite new to our college and my friends don’t really know him. I still bought him something though, but I’m not going to say what it was until he opens it on Christmas morning. He decided to wait until then to open in case he didn’t get anything from his family or friends back at home. He moved here from London in September because of a job offer his mum received. I think that she works in the film business so work for her doesn’t come too often and when it does she never says no. Billy says that he hasn’t stayed in the same city for more than a year in his whole life. I feel so sorry for him because I couldn’t just say goodbye to my friends and then get a whole new bunch. He is only in contact with three of his old friends, I can’t remember their names but I do know that they are all girls. None of them know his sexuality either which he thinks is a good thing because they can be fairly homophobic at times. I told him that if they really valued him as a friend then they wouldn’t mind and that they would still love him all the same.
When Billy first came to my college, he sat by himself at lunchtimes and didn’t really make an effort to get to know anyone. I just guessed that he had social anxiety or something like that. One day in early October I noticed that he was wearing a Dir en grey t-shirt so I couldn’t just sit back and not ask him about it. I walked over towards him just as he took another mouthful of his drink. He looked uncomfortable. I sat down at the opposite side of the table and looked at his t-shirt and then in his eyes.
“So,” I asked, “You’re a fan of Dir en grey?”
He looked as if he was about to explode; his face went bright red and his eyes opened so wide. I gave him a reassuring look and I supposed this gave him the confidence to reply to me.
“Yeah, I do”
“Whoa, you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who likes them”
“Really?” He asked.
“Yeah! Not many people like metal music around here, never mind Japanese metal!”
“Oh, that sucks”
“It sucks real bad, I’m just glad I’ve finally found someone who likes them!”
“Yeah, it’s cool” He sighed.
And that was it, he got up and left straight after that, no goodbyes or anything. If he was trying to come across mysterious then he sure had done a good job at it. I was determined not to give up; I had to find out more about him.
The next day I caught up with him in the hallway on the way to Photography, he didn’t look too happy to see me. I asked him why he didn’t talk much and he replied saying that he doesn’t like talking to new people. He turned right into a classroom and that was the last I saw of him for that day. From watching him, I’ve found out that he takes Film Studies, Art and English Literature, what a perfect combination. I’ve also been asking around my college to see if anyone know anything about him, but they don’t. I wish that he was more sociable.
I decided not to try and talk to him again for the rest of the week to see if his behaviour changed at all. The next Monday I approached him in the dining hall again, instead of sitting opposite him I sat next to him. This trapped him in the corner so he couldn’t get out unless he pushed me off my seat or scrambled over the table, I don’t think he would do either of those if I were honest.
“So, you’ve been ignoring me?” I asked.
“We haven’t been talking for me to ignore you” he replied.
“That may be true, but my lack of speech is from your lack of interest in what I’m saying to you”.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” he started. “I am interested in what you have to say..”
“Then why do you keep on leaving when I try to talk to you?”
He paused for quite a while and looked back down at his book. I don’t know why he done this at the time, he really baffled me. I moved my head down onto the table and looked up at him. I have no idea why I done this, I never have this much confidence around people I don’t know. He looked at me and then finally answered my question.
“I don’t know you, therefore I’m not prepared to talk about Dir en grey with you”.
I must admit, I had no idea what he meant when he said that to me, at least he replied.
“What I mean is that I need to know you, I need to know how much you appreciate them as a band, I need to make sure that your not just going through a phase or anything like that. You need to be in it for life”.
I’ve never met anyone that has made a band seem like a cult, this was definitely a first.
“How would you find this information about me if you’re not going to talk to me,” I asked.
“We just need time to ourselves I guess, we can’t do it here”.
“Do what here?”
“I just need to ask you some questions”.
I packed his book up in his bag and looked as if he had to be some place else, I wasn’t going to let him past until we arranged to meet.
“When can we do this then?” I questioned.
“When you are you free? I’m not doing anything tonight”.
I was surprised to his answer, I had never expected him to say that he would be free that night; I thought that he would of put if off a little longer. I suppose this was a good sign though.
“Tonight sounds great”.
“Good, I guess I’ll just meet you at the reception at the end of the day and we’ll go back to mine and talk about it there”.
I can’t say that I wasn’t a little freaked out when he said that we were going back to his house, but what harm could he do? Well, he could kill me or something like that but I trusted him.
Sure enough we met at the reception at 4:30pm, he didn’t look as nervous anymore, I guess I broke the ice quite well! I waved at him and he walked over to me without any emotion on his face, I was seriously starting to doubt this meeting.
“Hey, you all set?” he asked.
I didn’t expect him to talk first at all, but he did and it made me feel a little proud inside.
“Yup, ready to go when you are!”
We walked out of college together and back to his house in silence. The whole trip must have lasted about six or seven minutes but it was really awkward. I was even scared to say something to him. When we got to his door he apologized for the mess and lead me in. We took off out coats and bags and put them into his hallway cupboard. We walked up the stairs and entered his bedroom. I was overwhelmed by what I saw when I walked in; I stood still over the threshold and stared in disbelief. His walls were covered in Dir en grey posters and signs; I couldn’t see one part of the wall bare. Over to the left of his room he has some sort of shrine to Kyo, the lead singer of the group. It was on top of his desk and there were quite a few models and drawings of him, there were also some lyrics underneath them but I couldn’t read them from the distance. I’d never been so stunned by anything this much in all my life.
“Now do you understand what I mean?”
I didn’t know what to say back to him, I just stood there with my mouth open looking at him. He invited me over to a chair and I sat on it, it was leather and had Kyo’s name stitched into it. He picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and took a swig from it, he offered me some but I rejected it.
We must have talked for about 4 hours straight because I didn’t notice the time until it was around 9pm. I found out that he needed to ask me some questions to see whether I was as obsessed with the band as him, turns out that I am. We both have the same favourite song too, which is quite weird as they have over 200 songs and the one we chose isn’t well known. We laughed, we cried and we sighed, it all went amazingly well, I could not complain. I left his house and when I got home I went straight to bed without thinking over what I just talked about.
The next few days we didn’t really say more than ‘hi’ in the corridors when we pasted. This didn’t make me sad, as I knew that we would end up meeting again and make up for the times we didn’t speak. I decided not to tell my friends about what happened that night; I wanted this to be our little secret.
James.
I’m in college at the moment and I’m struggling to write this, I hate it when people watch me write. I’m scared in case they read this when I’m not finished explaining something and they get the wrong idea and think I’m even weirder than I normally am. It’s okay now though because I’m back at home. Today was alright, not the best of days, I had double English first which would be horrible if it was not for Daisie. I talked to her for the first time today too, but it wasn’t exactly the greatest conversation in the world. We were put into teams and we discussed one of the answers, interesting I know, but it was the first time we properly spoke and it was special nevertheless. In English I didn’t eat anything in the break so my stomach made the most awful noises in the world; I just went red and panicked. I think I had about 6-7 ‘rumbles’ and they were long and loud so I had no way of hiding them. Some other people in the class heard and laughed so I just sunk down into my seat and bit my lip. I actually bled a little bit from the biting but I don’t mind, I love the taste of blood.
The lesson was soon over and I left as soon as I could, I had to wait for my other friend in the class next-door so I just sat at the computers and checked my e-mail. I had an email from Kent University saying that they have acknowledged my application and they would be looking it in the next couple of weeks. It’s the first university that has gotten back to me; it’s also the one I want to go to the least. I can’t wait to get an offer; I just can’t wait to leave Newcastle. Making friends will be the hard part though; I’m not exactly the most sociable person and I wait for them to talk to me first. I might just use my stalking skills and search for some students on the Internet and get to know them online first. I’m sure everything will turn out fine in the end though, it always does.
Today was also Secret Santa at college with my friends I received the most wonderful gifts. My Secret Santa was Elena and she bought me exactly what I wanted; a black knitted scarf, The Inbetweeners box set and a bar of chocolate. Ever since we came up for the idea of doing this I’ve been begging her for the box set and she has always said that she bought me something else instead. It was pretty funny, but in the end I got it and I’m happy!
Billy didn’t take part in the gift swapping as he’s quite new to our college and my friends don’t really know him. I still bought him something though, but I’m not going to say what it was until he opens it on Christmas morning. He decided to wait until then to open in case he didn’t get anything from his family or friends back at home. He moved here from London in September because of a job offer his mum received. I think that she works in the film business so work for her doesn’t come too often and when it does she never says no. Billy says that he hasn’t stayed in the same city for more than a year in his whole life. I feel so sorry for him because I couldn’t just say goodbye to my friends and then get a whole new bunch. He is only in contact with three of his old friends, I can’t remember their names but I do know that they are all girls. None of them know his sexuality either which he thinks is a good thing because they can be fairly homophobic at times. I told him that if they really valued him as a friend then they wouldn’t mind and that they would still love him all the same.
When Billy first came to my college, he sat by himself at lunchtimes and didn’t really make an effort to get to know anyone. I just guessed that he had social anxiety or something like that. One day in early October I noticed that he was wearing a Dir en grey t-shirt so I couldn’t just sit back and not ask him about it. I walked over towards him just as he took another mouthful of his drink. He looked uncomfortable. I sat down at the opposite side of the table and looked at his t-shirt and then in his eyes.
“So,” I asked, “You’re a fan of Dir en grey?”
He looked as if he was about to explode; his face went bright red and his eyes opened so wide. I gave him a reassuring look and I supposed this gave him the confidence to reply to me.
“Yeah, I do”
“Whoa, you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who likes them”
“Really?” He asked.
“Yeah! Not many people like metal music around here, never mind Japanese metal!”
“Oh, that sucks”
“It sucks real bad, I’m just glad I’ve finally found someone who likes them!”
“Yeah, it’s cool” He sighed.
And that was it, he got up and left straight after that, no goodbyes or anything. If he was trying to come across mysterious then he sure had done a good job at it. I was determined not to give up; I had to find out more about him.
The next day I caught up with him in the hallway on the way to Photography, he didn’t look too happy to see me. I asked him why he didn’t talk much and he replied saying that he doesn’t like talking to new people. He turned right into a classroom and that was the last I saw of him for that day. From watching him, I’ve found out that he takes Film Studies, Art and English Literature, what a perfect combination. I’ve also been asking around my college to see if anyone know anything about him, but they don’t. I wish that he was more sociable.
I decided not to try and talk to him again for the rest of the week to see if his behaviour changed at all. The next Monday I approached him in the dining hall again, instead of sitting opposite him I sat next to him. This trapped him in the corner so he couldn’t get out unless he pushed me off my seat or scrambled over the table, I don’t think he would do either of those if I were honest.
“So, you’ve been ignoring me?” I asked.
“We haven’t been talking for me to ignore you” he replied.
“That may be true, but my lack of speech is from your lack of interest in what I’m saying to you”.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” he started. “I am interested in what you have to say..”
“Then why do you keep on leaving when I try to talk to you?”
He paused for quite a while and looked back down at his book. I don’t know why he done this at the time, he really baffled me. I moved my head down onto the table and looked up at him. I have no idea why I done this, I never have this much confidence around people I don’t know. He looked at me and then finally answered my question.
“I don’t know you, therefore I’m not prepared to talk about Dir en grey with you”.
I must admit, I had no idea what he meant when he said that to me, at least he replied.
“What I mean is that I need to know you, I need to know how much you appreciate them as a band, I need to make sure that your not just going through a phase or anything like that. You need to be in it for life”.
I’ve never met anyone that has made a band seem like a cult, this was definitely a first.
“How would you find this information about me if you’re not going to talk to me,” I asked.
“We just need time to ourselves I guess, we can’t do it here”.
“Do what here?”
“I just need to ask you some questions”.
I packed his book up in his bag and looked as if he had to be some place else, I wasn’t going to let him past until we arranged to meet.
“When can we do this then?” I questioned.
“When you are you free? I’m not doing anything tonight”.
I was surprised to his answer, I had never expected him to say that he would be free that night; I thought that he would of put if off a little longer. I suppose this was a good sign though.
“Tonight sounds great”.
“Good, I guess I’ll just meet you at the reception at the end of the day and we’ll go back to mine and talk about it there”.
I can’t say that I wasn’t a little freaked out when he said that we were going back to his house, but what harm could he do? Well, he could kill me or something like that but I trusted him.
Sure enough we met at the reception at 4:30pm, he didn’t look as nervous anymore, I guess I broke the ice quite well! I waved at him and he walked over to me without any emotion on his face, I was seriously starting to doubt this meeting.
“Hey, you all set?” he asked.
I didn’t expect him to talk first at all, but he did and it made me feel a little proud inside.
“Yup, ready to go when you are!”
We walked out of college together and back to his house in silence. The whole trip must have lasted about six or seven minutes but it was really awkward. I was even scared to say something to him. When we got to his door he apologized for the mess and lead me in. We took off out coats and bags and put them into his hallway cupboard. We walked up the stairs and entered his bedroom. I was overwhelmed by what I saw when I walked in; I stood still over the threshold and stared in disbelief. His walls were covered in Dir en grey posters and signs; I couldn’t see one part of the wall bare. Over to the left of his room he has some sort of shrine to Kyo, the lead singer of the group. It was on top of his desk and there were quite a few models and drawings of him, there were also some lyrics underneath them but I couldn’t read them from the distance. I’d never been so stunned by anything this much in all my life.
“Now do you understand what I mean?”
I didn’t know what to say back to him, I just stood there with my mouth open looking at him. He invited me over to a chair and I sat on it, it was leather and had Kyo’s name stitched into it. He picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and took a swig from it, he offered me some but I rejected it.
We must have talked for about 4 hours straight because I didn’t notice the time until it was around 9pm. I found out that he needed to ask me some questions to see whether I was as obsessed with the band as him, turns out that I am. We both have the same favourite song too, which is quite weird as they have over 200 songs and the one we chose isn’t well known. We laughed, we cried and we sighed, it all went amazingly well, I could not complain. I left his house and when I got home I went straight to bed without thinking over what I just talked about.
The next few days we didn’t really say more than ‘hi’ in the corridors when we pasted. This didn’t make me sad, as I knew that we would end up meeting again and make up for the times we didn’t speak. I decided not to tell my friends about what happened that night; I wanted this to be our little secret.
James.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
16th December 2009
It’s actually scary how fast time goes by, I can remember writing my entry yesterday so clearly. I wish time went slower, just for me, wait that’s a bit selfish isn’t it? But it’s true; I’ve never been so scared of death in my life. It’s just best to forget about it until the time comes.
Today was cold, it’s the first time I’ve really noticed it this month. Today I wore my favourite sweater; I bought it when I went to Norway last year with a couple of my friends. I went with Angelica, Elena, Lily and Lucy, they are my closest female friends and they are all completely different. Take Angelica for instance, she is infatuated with photography and has the most beautiful eyes you will ever see. They are so big and you just want to stare into them all day. On the other hand Lucy isn’t really passionate about anything other than her boyfriend. We all like different types of music and films, but we all seem to connect in a way, its rather magical. I feel quite weird sometimes being the only boy in the group but I guess I act a bit like one; sometimes I even dress like one! It’s all good. So yeah, Norway, we travelled to the capital called Oslo and we stayed there for 5 nights. We all shared the same room too, there were 3 double beds, I got to share mine with Angelica. It was fun sharing a bed for once, every other trip I’ve been on I’ve had to have my own bed which is boring. There is no one to annoy by pulling the entire blanket to your side and tucking your feet into the end of it. It’s all harmless fun! Since we were only 16 at the time, we couldn’t really go out drinking and partying so we put on our best clothing and went to a couple art gallery openings. It was amazing; I’ve never felt so interested in art.
Next door to one of the art galleries was a small clothing shop called ‘Acrylic’, it had the most awful sign on the top of the building. It had a red background and you couldn’t make out what it was actually called, I only found out after I looked at the tags inside. So we all went inside and I was astounded by how attractive the clothes were, I’ve never liked fashion that much so this was certainly a big step forward for me! I walked over to the reduced section as I’m not the richest guy around and I pulled out this dark blue and white sweater, I fell in love with it as soon as I laid my eyes upon it. I checked the price tag and it was equivalent to £60, I was so shocked at the price, especially as it was in the reduced section! But I had to buy it, I looked inside my wallet and I didn’t have enough. I asked Lily if I could borrow some money to buy it and she said no and took the sweater off me. I felt my eyes well up, it was like a mother taking a favourite toy off their son, and it was horrible! I didn’t understand what was going on so I walked outside. The next thing I know I was being handed a plastic bag, amazingly enough Lily has bought me the sweater. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just stayed silent, she knew how much it meant to me though.
So I wore that sweater today, it means an awful lot to me and I have no idea what I would do if I got ruined or lost. Id probably offer a reward if I lost it, I’m that sad! I only had one lesson today that was English; it wasn’t too bad compared to other days. I actually interacted with my class, all we were doing was watching a DVD but I still spoke to a couple of them, which is not normal for me. I received my mock exam back too, in which I gained a grade D in; I’m so disappointed in myself. I don’t think I’ve ever had a grade that low in English before, especially as my final exam is in a month. Believe it or not I’m actually very clever, this is the only part of my life that I’m not modest about. The only thing that I have ever failed is my driving test, and that’s not really educational. I achieve high grades in everything and I’ve just never let myself fail before. I would be upset, my mum would be upset and so would my dad. I need to do well in my final English exam; I need to get into university.
After English I met up with Billy in the hallway, I didn’t expect to find him there, as he has no lessons today.
“How come your in college?” I asked him.
“I wanted to see you. I spoke to my dad.”
He didn’t look as frightened as he did yesterday when he mentioned his father; this was most certainly a good sign.
“What did you say to him?”
“I just asked if he could forget what I told him yesterday, and if we could carry on like normal.”
“Oh, how did he reply?”
“He said no.”
“No?!” I questioned.
“Yeah, he said that he’s thought about this a lot and he said that he would rather have a gay son then no son at all’.
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that!”
I really was happy for him, I gave him a hug there and I didn’t care who saw it.
I decided not to go to the pub with Billy tonight as I was so tired and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So we just walked home together, hand in hand again. Yet again he didn’t mention his feelings for me, I wish had the confidence to talk to him about us. The only time that I am fully confident is when I’m drunk and I wish I could change this but I can’t. He walked me home and said goodbye by giving me a long cuddle, he was so warm and soft. When you look him you really don’t expect him to be so emotional, he looks like a normal guy who is content with life. He has thick, dark brown hair which he wears a little spiky when he has the time to style it. I like it when it’s spiky; it suits him so much. He has an oval shaped face with almost perfect features. His eyes are dark brown, just a little darker than his hair and he has a short nose. His mouth is quite large, which is good for quite a few reasons if you know what I mean. He’s pretty tall, taller than me so I reckon he must be at least 6ft1. I like taller guys, I like feeling dominated at certain times. He normally wears black clothes; baggy jeans, band tees and old hoodies. I know that he could pull off any type of clothing though; he has such a fantastic body with such potential! I’m sure he could be a model, but maybe im just being naive.
As soon as I left him and went inside my house, I went straight to my bedroom and turned on my CD player. I recently bought Ludovico Einaudi’s new album called ‘Nightbook’, I’ve never really listened to contemporary classical music so he was my first. I’m fascinated by his music, it’s so slow and daunting, yet it makes me want to go outside and just look at the world. I can’t explain it, I need you to actually listen to some of his music, if I recommend you his best music would you listen to them?
-Nightbook
-Divenire
-Nei Varchi Di Luce
-Come Ombre
I don’t think that I could go a day without listening to him, whatever happens in my life a piece of his music always fits it, I believe the word is contrapuntal. I like that word, a lot.
James.
Today was cold, it’s the first time I’ve really noticed it this month. Today I wore my favourite sweater; I bought it when I went to Norway last year with a couple of my friends. I went with Angelica, Elena, Lily and Lucy, they are my closest female friends and they are all completely different. Take Angelica for instance, she is infatuated with photography and has the most beautiful eyes you will ever see. They are so big and you just want to stare into them all day. On the other hand Lucy isn’t really passionate about anything other than her boyfriend. We all like different types of music and films, but we all seem to connect in a way, its rather magical. I feel quite weird sometimes being the only boy in the group but I guess I act a bit like one; sometimes I even dress like one! It’s all good. So yeah, Norway, we travelled to the capital called Oslo and we stayed there for 5 nights. We all shared the same room too, there were 3 double beds, I got to share mine with Angelica. It was fun sharing a bed for once, every other trip I’ve been on I’ve had to have my own bed which is boring. There is no one to annoy by pulling the entire blanket to your side and tucking your feet into the end of it. It’s all harmless fun! Since we were only 16 at the time, we couldn’t really go out drinking and partying so we put on our best clothing and went to a couple art gallery openings. It was amazing; I’ve never felt so interested in art.
Next door to one of the art galleries was a small clothing shop called ‘Acrylic’, it had the most awful sign on the top of the building. It had a red background and you couldn’t make out what it was actually called, I only found out after I looked at the tags inside. So we all went inside and I was astounded by how attractive the clothes were, I’ve never liked fashion that much so this was certainly a big step forward for me! I walked over to the reduced section as I’m not the richest guy around and I pulled out this dark blue and white sweater, I fell in love with it as soon as I laid my eyes upon it. I checked the price tag and it was equivalent to £60, I was so shocked at the price, especially as it was in the reduced section! But I had to buy it, I looked inside my wallet and I didn’t have enough. I asked Lily if I could borrow some money to buy it and she said no and took the sweater off me. I felt my eyes well up, it was like a mother taking a favourite toy off their son, and it was horrible! I didn’t understand what was going on so I walked outside. The next thing I know I was being handed a plastic bag, amazingly enough Lily has bought me the sweater. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just stayed silent, she knew how much it meant to me though.
So I wore that sweater today, it means an awful lot to me and I have no idea what I would do if I got ruined or lost. Id probably offer a reward if I lost it, I’m that sad! I only had one lesson today that was English; it wasn’t too bad compared to other days. I actually interacted with my class, all we were doing was watching a DVD but I still spoke to a couple of them, which is not normal for me. I received my mock exam back too, in which I gained a grade D in; I’m so disappointed in myself. I don’t think I’ve ever had a grade that low in English before, especially as my final exam is in a month. Believe it or not I’m actually very clever, this is the only part of my life that I’m not modest about. The only thing that I have ever failed is my driving test, and that’s not really educational. I achieve high grades in everything and I’ve just never let myself fail before. I would be upset, my mum would be upset and so would my dad. I need to do well in my final English exam; I need to get into university.
After English I met up with Billy in the hallway, I didn’t expect to find him there, as he has no lessons today.
“How come your in college?” I asked him.
“I wanted to see you. I spoke to my dad.”
He didn’t look as frightened as he did yesterday when he mentioned his father; this was most certainly a good sign.
“What did you say to him?”
“I just asked if he could forget what I told him yesterday, and if we could carry on like normal.”
“Oh, how did he reply?”
“He said no.”
“No?!” I questioned.
“Yeah, he said that he’s thought about this a lot and he said that he would rather have a gay son then no son at all’.
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that!”
I really was happy for him, I gave him a hug there and I didn’t care who saw it.
I decided not to go to the pub with Billy tonight as I was so tired and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So we just walked home together, hand in hand again. Yet again he didn’t mention his feelings for me, I wish had the confidence to talk to him about us. The only time that I am fully confident is when I’m drunk and I wish I could change this but I can’t. He walked me home and said goodbye by giving me a long cuddle, he was so warm and soft. When you look him you really don’t expect him to be so emotional, he looks like a normal guy who is content with life. He has thick, dark brown hair which he wears a little spiky when he has the time to style it. I like it when it’s spiky; it suits him so much. He has an oval shaped face with almost perfect features. His eyes are dark brown, just a little darker than his hair and he has a short nose. His mouth is quite large, which is good for quite a few reasons if you know what I mean. He’s pretty tall, taller than me so I reckon he must be at least 6ft1. I like taller guys, I like feeling dominated at certain times. He normally wears black clothes; baggy jeans, band tees and old hoodies. I know that he could pull off any type of clothing though; he has such a fantastic body with such potential! I’m sure he could be a model, but maybe im just being naive.
As soon as I left him and went inside my house, I went straight to my bedroom and turned on my CD player. I recently bought Ludovico Einaudi’s new album called ‘Nightbook’, I’ve never really listened to contemporary classical music so he was my first. I’m fascinated by his music, it’s so slow and daunting, yet it makes me want to go outside and just look at the world. I can’t explain it, I need you to actually listen to some of his music, if I recommend you his best music would you listen to them?
-Nightbook
-Divenire
-Nei Varchi Di Luce
-Come Ombre
I don’t think that I could go a day without listening to him, whatever happens in my life a piece of his music always fits it, I believe the word is contrapuntal. I like that word, a lot.
James.
Monday, 14 December 2009
15th December 2009
I tried ‘ice tea’ for the first time today, the one with the lemon added into it. It surprised me because I actually liked it. I’ve never been quite sure if I like tea or not, never mind ice tea! But I guess now I can add that onto the list of drinks I like. I have smelt the peach ice tea before and I fell in love with that smell, which has to be one of my favourite smells if I may say so. It was more the peach part of it that I liked, I didn’t dare taste it though, and I didn’t want it to taste bad otherwise I might go off the smell. I’ve never thought about smells so much, weird.
So today I skipped the whole day of college, something I’ve never done before. I got onto my usual bus with Elena and Billy, we all sat in the same seats and talked about yesterday’s events. It was just before we got off that Billy grabbed my hand and asked me to go with him. So I said goodbye to Elena and followed Billy, I had no idea where we were going or what we were going to talk about. He must have been walking a good ten metres in front of me; it was pretty hard keeping up with him. He finally stopped next to rouge coloured car and placed his hand on top of it. I looked at his puzzled, as I know he can’t drive. He looked straight into my eyes and asked to me to get a drive away.
Still looking puzzled I asked him why.
He replied, “My dad disapproves of my sexuality, I told him everything. Every single thing and he disapproved. What kind of father does that to their own son?”
Tears rolled down his face so I pulled him into me and hugged him. It was more of a cuddle in the end, since it lasted about three minutes. He was just crying on my shoulder, like in the movies. I’ve never felt so close to him in all my life. I was scared to break the silence but I knew that I had to.
“So what do you want to do with the car?”
He broke off the hug and answered.
“We need to go, I can’t trust anyone else in the world more than you. I need you to come with me, please”.
His eyes grew so big when he was asking me this; there was no way in hell I could say no to him. Not after everything we have been through together.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked him.
“I don’t know, I just want to go anywhere apart from here, I need to get out of Newcastle. I need to see the world in all if it’s beauty”.
“Don’t you think it’s a little early to go and see the world? I mean we have exams coming up and you can’t just quit everything!”
I’ll tell you something; Billy is one of the most confusing people I’ve ever met. I love him, I love him so much, but I could never handle all of his emotion. He’s too spontaneous and he gets upset over the littlest things. I’m not saying that his dad hating him is a little thing; just he always over exaggerates everything.
After about 20 minutes of reasoning with him, he walked away from the car with me. Hand in hand. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head; I wonder how he really feels about me. We walked into our local pub called ‘The Half Moon’, and we sat down at a table for two. He went up to the bar and ordered is both a double Jack and coke; he’s 18 so he obviously has to order them. He never asks me for money though, and every time I try and give him some he gives me it back. But when he gives me it back, he does it in such weird ways, either slipping it into my bag when im not looking or into one of my pockets. I know he does this just to annoy me, I really wish he would take the money off me.
After we finished our drinks he pulled out a silver container with a sticker of the British flag on top of it. I asked him what it was but he didn’t answer. He opened it and there was a bag full of weed placed underneath some tobacco.
“Since when did you smoke?” I asked him.
“Oh, since I found this in my brothers drawer last week, I tried it out and I’ve been hooked ever since”.
“You’re stupid,” I proclaimed.
I’ve never seen him smoke ever! Personally I hate smoking, it’s disgusting and it kills so many people, but I’ve always wanted to try some weed. I’m such a hypocrite, I really am.
“Well at least don’t roll it up in here,” I told him.
We stood up and walked towards the exit. He does that a lot. He just leaves or crosses the road without telling anyone, he’s such a child. I picked up our bags and went after him.
“Will you please stop walking off without telling me?” I asked.
He was too busy lighting the spliff to reply to me, brilliant. I sat down on the edge of the curb leading into the back alley and Billy joined me. He blew out the smoke into my face and passed it over to me, I wasn’t too sure what to do right about now.
He told me just to place it on the tip of my lips, close my mouth and just breathe in. Of course I failed, I breathed in through my nose, this made Billy laugh. He placed his fingers on my nose and pinched it so I couldn’t do the same mistake again. I inhaled again; I pulled the spliff away from my mouth and exhaled. I think that it’s safe to say that it went well! I officially smoked weed today! It’s not really that exciting, but at least now I can safely safe that I’ve tried it.
I guess that’s all that really happened today, we smoked a little more and had a few laughs. Time just flew by, seven whole hours gone, just like that. I walked him home at about 8:30pm and when I said goodbye he kissed me on the cheek. Honestly, if he doesn’t come out and tell me that he likes me then I might just have to confront him myself. I have no idea where I will get the confidence from, but ill find it somewhere.
James.
So today I skipped the whole day of college, something I’ve never done before. I got onto my usual bus with Elena and Billy, we all sat in the same seats and talked about yesterday’s events. It was just before we got off that Billy grabbed my hand and asked me to go with him. So I said goodbye to Elena and followed Billy, I had no idea where we were going or what we were going to talk about. He must have been walking a good ten metres in front of me; it was pretty hard keeping up with him. He finally stopped next to rouge coloured car and placed his hand on top of it. I looked at his puzzled, as I know he can’t drive. He looked straight into my eyes and asked to me to get a drive away.
Still looking puzzled I asked him why.
He replied, “My dad disapproves of my sexuality, I told him everything. Every single thing and he disapproved. What kind of father does that to their own son?”
Tears rolled down his face so I pulled him into me and hugged him. It was more of a cuddle in the end, since it lasted about three minutes. He was just crying on my shoulder, like in the movies. I’ve never felt so close to him in all my life. I was scared to break the silence but I knew that I had to.
“So what do you want to do with the car?”
He broke off the hug and answered.
“We need to go, I can’t trust anyone else in the world more than you. I need you to come with me, please”.
His eyes grew so big when he was asking me this; there was no way in hell I could say no to him. Not after everything we have been through together.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked him.
“I don’t know, I just want to go anywhere apart from here, I need to get out of Newcastle. I need to see the world in all if it’s beauty”.
“Don’t you think it’s a little early to go and see the world? I mean we have exams coming up and you can’t just quit everything!”
I’ll tell you something; Billy is one of the most confusing people I’ve ever met. I love him, I love him so much, but I could never handle all of his emotion. He’s too spontaneous and he gets upset over the littlest things. I’m not saying that his dad hating him is a little thing; just he always over exaggerates everything.
After about 20 minutes of reasoning with him, he walked away from the car with me. Hand in hand. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head; I wonder how he really feels about me. We walked into our local pub called ‘The Half Moon’, and we sat down at a table for two. He went up to the bar and ordered is both a double Jack and coke; he’s 18 so he obviously has to order them. He never asks me for money though, and every time I try and give him some he gives me it back. But when he gives me it back, he does it in such weird ways, either slipping it into my bag when im not looking or into one of my pockets. I know he does this just to annoy me, I really wish he would take the money off me.
After we finished our drinks he pulled out a silver container with a sticker of the British flag on top of it. I asked him what it was but he didn’t answer. He opened it and there was a bag full of weed placed underneath some tobacco.
“Since when did you smoke?” I asked him.
“Oh, since I found this in my brothers drawer last week, I tried it out and I’ve been hooked ever since”.
“You’re stupid,” I proclaimed.
I’ve never seen him smoke ever! Personally I hate smoking, it’s disgusting and it kills so many people, but I’ve always wanted to try some weed. I’m such a hypocrite, I really am.
“Well at least don’t roll it up in here,” I told him.
We stood up and walked towards the exit. He does that a lot. He just leaves or crosses the road without telling anyone, he’s such a child. I picked up our bags and went after him.
“Will you please stop walking off without telling me?” I asked.
He was too busy lighting the spliff to reply to me, brilliant. I sat down on the edge of the curb leading into the back alley and Billy joined me. He blew out the smoke into my face and passed it over to me, I wasn’t too sure what to do right about now.
He told me just to place it on the tip of my lips, close my mouth and just breathe in. Of course I failed, I breathed in through my nose, this made Billy laugh. He placed his fingers on my nose and pinched it so I couldn’t do the same mistake again. I inhaled again; I pulled the spliff away from my mouth and exhaled. I think that it’s safe to say that it went well! I officially smoked weed today! It’s not really that exciting, but at least now I can safely safe that I’ve tried it.
I guess that’s all that really happened today, we smoked a little more and had a few laughs. Time just flew by, seven whole hours gone, just like that. I walked him home at about 8:30pm and when I said goodbye he kissed me on the cheek. Honestly, if he doesn’t come out and tell me that he likes me then I might just have to confront him myself. I have no idea where I will get the confidence from, but ill find it somewhere.
James.
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