14th December 2009

Today was great, I had my weekly lie in. It’s such a great start to the week; if I didn’t get my Monday morning lie-ins then my whole week would be exhausting. My mum woke me up at 10:00am, on the dot. I’m very fussy when it comes to times, I expect people to do things at the times I tell them too, this is so I can prepare myself when that time comes. Basically, I just don’t like delays. Well I do, in some cases, but not really. That makes no sense, I’m sorry.

When I woke up I carried on with the story I was telling myself when I went to bed. It was about a girl that I like. She has the most wonderful lips, so luscious and full of colour. They are a dark pink, but not too dark. The pink that comes just before red, you know the type of pink that you see on bows, or at the fair. I wonder how on earth she got them to look like that. They are perfect. I like her name too, Daisie. I like the spelling of it and how unconventional it is, I’ve never met another girl with such a beautiful name.

My story didn’t really match my perception of her though; my stories never do about anyone. This story was more of a fantasy. Realistically, nothing I thought of would probably come true. It was hardcore and full of sex. I’m just a pervert really. If my fantasies were reality then I’d either be dead or in jail.

I’m not straight, or bisexual. No, I’m not gay either. I’m pansexual. This is like being Bisexual, but you like more than two sexes. So yes, I like men, women and transgender. Some pansexuals also find animals or objects sexually appealing, but im not one of those. I don’t find it weird to tell people this either; I admire those individuals who go through the process to become the opposite sex. They are brave, much braver then soldiers or policemen. I don’t know which one of those genders I prefer; I guess that I need proper experience will all of them. I’ve only ever had a couple girlfriends here and there, but nothing too serious. I haven’t had a boyfriend yet; I’ve only just messed around with a couple. When it comes to transgender folk, I’ve never even met one personally. This upsets me a lot.

I consider myself pretty weird, which is good in way. In the words of Angela Hayes ‘there is nothing worse than being ordinary’. That is so true, I would hate to be called ordinary. It would destroy me so much inside. I’ve tried so hard these past seventeen years to become as weird as possible. The type of weird that freaks people out and keeps them away from me. Yet the mystery of not knowing my real personality draws them back in again.

My first lesson at college was film studies, usually the highlight of my day, but no, not today. I’m starting to really dislike my class, they act as if they don’t enjoy what we watch or learn. Actually, I hate them. They are the only thing coming between my true happiness in that lesson. I’d rather not have the vast majority of people there.
I do have a friend in that lesson though, my best friend called Billy. I’ve known him for almost two years now and our relationship can sometimes be described as ‘erotic’. He’s gay and also has a thing for me. The funny thing is, he thinks I don’t know about it. How wrong he is about that. I wish I could tell him that I knew how he felt so that I could tell him I liked him back. Up to now we’ve only had a quick fumble in the toilets of my pub, nothing too serious. I also know that he is a virgin, what I would give to take that away from him.

My second lesson today was English; I dislike this lesson quite a lot. I have no friends in this lesson and I think everyone feels sorry for me. Each of them has probably heard some bizarre rumour about me. They are probably all true though, somehow.

I think that I cater for all. I have the ability to bend my personality inside out to please other people. In that sense I’m perfect. Only in that sense though, not any other way. Oh no. I could technically get along with anyone as long as they don’t dig too deep in my life and find out the other sides of me.

In my English class there is this guy called Miles. He has the same accent as one of my ex’s and every time he talks it just brings back memories of her. I gave her my virginity just over three months ago. I will never forget that day ever. Maybe I will explain it more later on.

My last lesson of the day didn’t happen, I bunked off to try and restore my inner peace. I’m a Buddhist and meditating is an important part of my life. Well, when I say that I’m a Buddhist, im trying to be one. It’s just a little hard, im way too materialistic. So yeah, I went into the abandoned art classroom, sat upon the smallest table and meditated. This lasted around 45 minutes; it’s surreal how fast the time goes by. As soon as I snap out of my trance, I feel so much better, in every single way possible. It’s bloody amazing.


James.