16th December 2009

It’s actually scary how fast time goes by, I can remember writing my entry yesterday so clearly. I wish time went slower, just for me, wait that’s a bit selfish isn’t it? But it’s true; I’ve never been so scared of death in my life. It’s just best to forget about it until the time comes.

Today was cold, it’s the first time I’ve really noticed it this month. Today I wore my favourite sweater; I bought it when I went to Norway last year with a couple of my friends. I went with Angelica, Elena, Lily and Lucy, they are my closest female friends and they are all completely different. Take Angelica for instance, she is infatuated with photography and has the most beautiful eyes you will ever see. They are so big and you just want to stare into them all day. On the other hand Lucy isn’t really passionate about anything other than her boyfriend. We all like different types of music and films, but we all seem to connect in a way, its rather magical. I feel quite weird sometimes being the only boy in the group but I guess I act a bit like one; sometimes I even dress like one! It’s all good. So yeah, Norway, we travelled to the capital called Oslo and we stayed there for 5 nights. We all shared the same room too, there were 3 double beds, I got to share mine with Angelica. It was fun sharing a bed for once, every other trip I’ve been on I’ve had to have my own bed which is boring. There is no one to annoy by pulling the entire blanket to your side and tucking your feet into the end of it. It’s all harmless fun! Since we were only 16 at the time, we couldn’t really go out drinking and partying so we put on our best clothing and went to a couple art gallery openings. It was amazing; I’ve never felt so interested in art.

Next door to one of the art galleries was a small clothing shop called ‘Acrylic’, it had the most awful sign on the top of the building. It had a red background and you couldn’t make out what it was actually called, I only found out after I looked at the tags inside. So we all went inside and I was astounded by how attractive the clothes were, I’ve never liked fashion that much so this was certainly a big step forward for me! I walked over to the reduced section as I’m not the richest guy around and I pulled out this dark blue and white sweater, I fell in love with it as soon as I laid my eyes upon it. I checked the price tag and it was equivalent to £60, I was so shocked at the price, especially as it was in the reduced section! But I had to buy it, I looked inside my wallet and I didn’t have enough. I asked Lily if I could borrow some money to buy it and she said no and took the sweater off me. I felt my eyes well up, it was like a mother taking a favourite toy off their son, and it was horrible! I didn’t understand what was going on so I walked outside. The next thing I know I was being handed a plastic bag, amazingly enough Lily has bought me the sweater. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just stayed silent, she knew how much it meant to me though.

So I wore that sweater today, it means an awful lot to me and I have no idea what I would do if I got ruined or lost. Id probably offer a reward if I lost it, I’m that sad! I only had one lesson today that was English; it wasn’t too bad compared to other days. I actually interacted with my class, all we were doing was watching a DVD but I still spoke to a couple of them, which is not normal for me. I received my mock exam back too, in which I gained a grade D in; I’m so disappointed in myself. I don’t think I’ve ever had a grade that low in English before, especially as my final exam is in a month. Believe it or not I’m actually very clever, this is the only part of my life that I’m not modest about. The only thing that I have ever failed is my driving test, and that’s not really educational. I achieve high grades in everything and I’ve just never let myself fail before. I would be upset, my mum would be upset and so would my dad. I need to do well in my final English exam; I need to get into university.

After English I met up with Billy in the hallway, I didn’t expect to find him there, as he has no lessons today.
“How come your in college?” I asked him.
“I wanted to see you. I spoke to my dad.”
He didn’t look as frightened as he did yesterday when he mentioned his father; this was most certainly a good sign.
“What did you say to him?”
“I just asked if he could forget what I told him yesterday, and if we could carry on like normal.”
“Oh, how did he reply?”
“He said no.”
“No?!” I questioned.
“Yeah, he said that he’s thought about this a lot and he said that he would rather have a gay son then no son at all’.
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that!”
I really was happy for him, I gave him a hug there and I didn’t care who saw it.

I decided not to go to the pub with Billy tonight as I was so tired and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. So we just walked home together, hand in hand again. Yet again he didn’t mention his feelings for me, I wish had the confidence to talk to him about us. The only time that I am fully confident is when I’m drunk and I wish I could change this but I can’t. He walked me home and said goodbye by giving me a long cuddle, he was so warm and soft. When you look him you really don’t expect him to be so emotional, he looks like a normal guy who is content with life. He has thick, dark brown hair which he wears a little spiky when he has the time to style it. I like it when it’s spiky; it suits him so much. He has an oval shaped face with almost perfect features. His eyes are dark brown, just a little darker than his hair and he has a short nose. His mouth is quite large, which is good for quite a few reasons if you know what I mean. He’s pretty tall, taller than me so I reckon he must be at least 6ft1. I like taller guys, I like feeling dominated at certain times. He normally wears black clothes; baggy jeans, band tees and old hoodies. I know that he could pull off any type of clothing though; he has such a fantastic body with such potential! I’m sure he could be a model, but maybe im just being naive.

As soon as I left him and went inside my house, I went straight to my bedroom and turned on my CD player. I recently bought Ludovico Einaudi’s new album called ‘Nightbook’, I’ve never really listened to contemporary classical music so he was my first. I’m fascinated by his music, it’s so slow and daunting, yet it makes me want to go outside and just look at the world. I can’t explain it, I need you to actually listen to some of his music, if I recommend you his best music would you listen to them?

-Nightbook
-Divenire
-Nei Varchi Di Luce
-Come Ombre

I don’t think that I could go a day without listening to him, whatever happens in my life a piece of his music always fits it, I believe the word is contrapuntal. I like that word, a lot.

James.