17th December 2009

I don’t think that anyone will be able to understand just how much music means to me. If I became deaf for whatever reason, I would seriously consider suicide, that thought is pretty daunting so ill leave it at that. One band in particular called Dir en grey has changed my life in so many ways. They have opened me up to a world of new music and people, their true fans are so devoted to them, and it’s just amazing. In my mind, to be a true fan of band you have to own all of their songs, see them live whenever you get the chance and to have been there from the start. It’s unfortunate that I’ve only been a fan for the past two years; I wish I found out about them when they first started out. But that was in 1997, I would have been five years old and their music really isn’t suitable for a child. When I was five I was struggling with English, never mind Japanese. The lead singer; Kyo is so astonishing I like to think of him as my God, although I’m a practising Buddhist. I’m not doing so well with Buddhism at the minute so I need to reconsider being one. I’m not even going to go more into detail about this just yet; I just thought that you ought to know this.

I’m in college at the moment and I’m struggling to write this, I hate it when people watch me write. I’m scared in case they read this when I’m not finished explaining something and they get the wrong idea and think I’m even weirder than I normally am. It’s okay now though because I’m back at home. Today was alright, not the best of days, I had double English first which would be horrible if it was not for Daisie. I talked to her for the first time today too, but it wasn’t exactly the greatest conversation in the world. We were put into teams and we discussed one of the answers, interesting I know, but it was the first time we properly spoke and it was special nevertheless. In English I didn’t eat anything in the break so my stomach made the most awful noises in the world; I just went red and panicked. I think I had about 6-7 ‘rumbles’ and they were long and loud so I had no way of hiding them. Some other people in the class heard and laughed so I just sunk down into my seat and bit my lip. I actually bled a little bit from the biting but I don’t mind, I love the taste of blood.

The lesson was soon over and I left as soon as I could, I had to wait for my other friend in the class next-door so I just sat at the computers and checked my e-mail. I had an email from Kent University saying that they have acknowledged my application and they would be looking it in the next couple of weeks. It’s the first university that has gotten back to me; it’s also the one I want to go to the least. I can’t wait to get an offer; I just can’t wait to leave Newcastle. Making friends will be the hard part though; I’m not exactly the most sociable person and I wait for them to talk to me first. I might just use my stalking skills and search for some students on the Internet and get to know them online first. I’m sure everything will turn out fine in the end though, it always does.

Today was also Secret Santa at college with my friends I received the most wonderful gifts. My Secret Santa was Elena and she bought me exactly what I wanted; a black knitted scarf, The Inbetweeners box set and a bar of chocolate. Ever since we came up for the idea of doing this I’ve been begging her for the box set and she has always said that she bought me something else instead. It was pretty funny, but in the end I got it and I’m happy!

Billy didn’t take part in the gift swapping as he’s quite new to our college and my friends don’t really know him. I still bought him something though, but I’m not going to say what it was until he opens it on Christmas morning. He decided to wait until then to open in case he didn’t get anything from his family or friends back at home. He moved here from London in September because of a job offer his mum received. I think that she works in the film business so work for her doesn’t come too often and when it does she never says no. Billy says that he hasn’t stayed in the same city for more than a year in his whole life. I feel so sorry for him because I couldn’t just say goodbye to my friends and then get a whole new bunch. He is only in contact with three of his old friends, I can’t remember their names but I do know that they are all girls. None of them know his sexuality either which he thinks is a good thing because they can be fairly homophobic at times. I told him that if they really valued him as a friend then they wouldn’t mind and that they would still love him all the same.

When Billy first came to my college, he sat by himself at lunchtimes and didn’t really make an effort to get to know anyone. I just guessed that he had social anxiety or something like that. One day in early October I noticed that he was wearing a Dir en grey t-shirt so I couldn’t just sit back and not ask him about it. I walked over towards him just as he took another mouthful of his drink. He looked uncomfortable. I sat down at the opposite side of the table and looked at his t-shirt and then in his eyes.
“So,” I asked, “You’re a fan of Dir en grey?”
He looked as if he was about to explode; his face went bright red and his eyes opened so wide. I gave him a reassuring look and I supposed this gave him the confidence to reply to me.
“Yeah, I do”
“Whoa, you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who likes them”
“Really?” He asked.
“Yeah! Not many people like metal music around here, never mind Japanese metal!”
“Oh, that sucks”
“It sucks real bad, I’m just glad I’ve finally found someone who likes them!”
“Yeah, it’s cool” He sighed.

And that was it, he got up and left straight after that, no goodbyes or anything. If he was trying to come across mysterious then he sure had done a good job at it. I was determined not to give up; I had to find out more about him.

The next day I caught up with him in the hallway on the way to Photography, he didn’t look too happy to see me. I asked him why he didn’t talk much and he replied saying that he doesn’t like talking to new people. He turned right into a classroom and that was the last I saw of him for that day. From watching him, I’ve found out that he takes Film Studies, Art and English Literature, what a perfect combination. I’ve also been asking around my college to see if anyone know anything about him, but they don’t. I wish that he was more sociable.

I decided not to try and talk to him again for the rest of the week to see if his behaviour changed at all. The next Monday I approached him in the dining hall again, instead of sitting opposite him I sat next to him. This trapped him in the corner so he couldn’t get out unless he pushed me off my seat or scrambled over the table, I don’t think he would do either of those if I were honest.
“So, you’ve been ignoring me?” I asked.
“We haven’t been talking for me to ignore you” he replied.
“That may be true, but my lack of speech is from your lack of interest in what I’m saying to you”.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” he started. “I am interested in what you have to say..”
“Then why do you keep on leaving when I try to talk to you?”
He paused for quite a while and looked back down at his book. I don’t know why he done this at the time, he really baffled me. I moved my head down onto the table and looked up at him. I have no idea why I done this, I never have this much confidence around people I don’t know. He looked at me and then finally answered my question.
“I don’t know you, therefore I’m not prepared to talk about Dir en grey with you”.
I must admit, I had no idea what he meant when he said that to me, at least he replied.
“What I mean is that I need to know you, I need to know how much you appreciate them as a band, I need to make sure that your not just going through a phase or anything like that. You need to be in it for life”.
I’ve never met anyone that has made a band seem like a cult, this was definitely a first.
“How would you find this information about me if you’re not going to talk to me,” I asked.
“We just need time to ourselves I guess, we can’t do it here”.
“Do what here?”
“I just need to ask you some questions”.
I packed his book up in his bag and looked as if he had to be some place else, I wasn’t going to let him past until we arranged to meet.
“When can we do this then?” I questioned.
“When you are you free? I’m not doing anything tonight”.
I was surprised to his answer, I had never expected him to say that he would be free that night; I thought that he would of put if off a little longer. I suppose this was a good sign though.
“Tonight sounds great”.
“Good, I guess I’ll just meet you at the reception at the end of the day and we’ll go back to mine and talk about it there”.
I can’t say that I wasn’t a little freaked out when he said that we were going back to his house, but what harm could he do? Well, he could kill me or something like that but I trusted him.

Sure enough we met at the reception at 4:30pm, he didn’t look as nervous anymore, I guess I broke the ice quite well! I waved at him and he walked over to me without any emotion on his face, I was seriously starting to doubt this meeting.
“Hey, you all set?” he asked.
I didn’t expect him to talk first at all, but he did and it made me feel a little proud inside.
“Yup, ready to go when you are!”
We walked out of college together and back to his house in silence. The whole trip must have lasted about six or seven minutes but it was really awkward. I was even scared to say something to him. When we got to his door he apologized for the mess and lead me in. We took off out coats and bags and put them into his hallway cupboard. We walked up the stairs and entered his bedroom. I was overwhelmed by what I saw when I walked in; I stood still over the threshold and stared in disbelief. His walls were covered in Dir en grey posters and signs; I couldn’t see one part of the wall bare. Over to the left of his room he has some sort of shrine to Kyo, the lead singer of the group. It was on top of his desk and there were quite a few models and drawings of him, there were also some lyrics underneath them but I couldn’t read them from the distance. I’d never been so stunned by anything this much in all my life.
“Now do you understand what I mean?”
I didn’t know what to say back to him, I just stood there with my mouth open looking at him. He invited me over to a chair and I sat on it, it was leather and had Kyo’s name stitched into it. He picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and took a swig from it, he offered me some but I rejected it.

We must have talked for about 4 hours straight because I didn’t notice the time until it was around 9pm. I found out that he needed to ask me some questions to see whether I was as obsessed with the band as him, turns out that I am. We both have the same favourite song too, which is quite weird as they have over 200 songs and the one we chose isn’t well known. We laughed, we cried and we sighed, it all went amazingly well, I could not complain. I left his house and when I got home I went straight to bed without thinking over what I just talked about.

The next few days we didn’t really say more than ‘hi’ in the corridors when we pasted. This didn’t make me sad, as I knew that we would end up meeting again and make up for the times we didn’t speak. I decided not to tell my friends about what happened that night; I wanted this to be our little secret.

James.