19th December 2009

I almost didn’t write this entry today. Today was weird, it’s snowing outside for the first time this year and I hate the cold. But then again, I hate the heat and my house is boiling, I can’t win. I’m missing Billy already, which is a little stupid because he only left this morning. All I’ve done is moped around my bedroom, which is disgustingly messy. There are so many empty bottles all over my floor, mainly Buxton water. My floor is also covered in clothes, paper, post and wires. I really need to tidy up but I have no energy at all, either that or I’m just getting lazier. I can’t even be bothered to work that one out.

It’s the first day of my Christmas holidays and it still doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. I guess I just dislike Christmas. I’d say hate, but it’s only the commercialisation bit that I hate, it ruins most holidays. I like Halloween the best, just thought I’d let you know. Christmas should only really be celebrated by the believers of Jesus, call me old fashioned but that’s why view on it. I hate it how the majority of families pretend that they are happy just because it’ a certain time of the year. It’s just not right, at all.

Last night was Angelica’s party, nothing really happened though. We spoke, drank and ate. I’m saying it was bad, it really wasn’t! Just nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Moving on... I went to see Billy this morning before he left, I’m so glad that I did. I phoned him up yesterday to arrange when to meet him because I really couldn’t cope over the holidays if I didn’t see him. He told me that he was leaving at 7am. I freaked out a little bit at first because I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it over to see him, but then I realised that I could easily sneak out. He told me that he wanted to take a picture of us two together when we met so that he could look at it when he was away. I liked the thought of this idea; photographs always make everything seem real. Sometimes whenever something great has just happened I think back about it and I question whether it really took place or not.

I went to bed extra early so that I could have the most time as possible with him. I would have met up with him last night but he was visiting another relative, that’s why he didn’t attend college that day. I woke up this morning at 3am and got ready in the record time of 20 minutes. I didn’t really have to do much though. I don’t wear pyjamas so I could just slip into my clothes and I don’t style my hair so that was about it. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I’m not that weird. I didn’t try and escape the house in any fun way; I just unlocked the front door and walked out of it. Last night I was trying to think up James Bond ways to get out of the house but I really couldn’t be bothered to follow through with any of them. It took me 23 minutes to walk to his house, it normally takes me about ten but all the roads/pavements were icy. He was still asleep when I got there so I threw a couple small rocks off his bedroom window. I was so scared in case they broke or marked the window but they didn’t, so it was all good.

He eventually woke up and opened his bedroom window.
“Hello gorgeous” he sleepily said whilst winking.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
“Of course, I’ll just go open the back door now”.
I walked around his house and got to the door. I’ve never seen his back garden before, I didn’t realise that it was going to be this big. There were so many different types of flowers in the garden and in the centre of it all was a pond. Since it was freezing, the water was frozen solid and there was a small toy ship lying on top of it. Billy opened the door and told me to be a quiet as I can. I took off my shoes and slid into the living room. He has laminate flooring so it’s really slippery when you’re wearing socks. I like doing this but Billy just gives me a weird look.

We tiptoed up to his bedroom and got into his bed. We just lay there cuddling to get warm again for about five minutes or so. Billy was wearing an old, worn out Dir en grey t-shirt and a pair of blue pyjama bottoms. He also had a hat on which I’m sure he didn’t have on when I saw him through the window. I looked over at the clock and it said ‘04:17’, time was going fast so I decided to confront him about how I felt about him.
“Can I ask you something Billy?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
“How do you feel about me?”
He moved around a little bit in the bed and looked at me.
“You know how I feel about you…”
“I don’t, I really don’t. That’s why I’m asking”
I felt a little uneasy at the long silences that were proceeding. Still looking at me, Billy pulled me closer into him and kissed me softly on my lips.
“You know that I love you…”
He smiled at me then dug his head into my chest so I couldn’t see his face anymore. I didn’t reply to him, I just snuggled into him and fell asleep.

We were woken up about two hours later by his mum; thank goodness it wasn’t his dad who came into the room. His mum knows that he is gay and she is totally fine with it. Billy stretched out a little bit and I felt something stick into my leg. I knew exactly what it was so I pretended to still be asleep. My heart was racing. To make matters worse, he started rubbing it against me, I half opened my eyes and I saw him smirk at me. I tried to budge backwards but he still had his arm around me. I’d never been so nervous in my whole life.

It turned out okay in the end though; he got up and changed right in front of me. It was fascinating to see him change his clothes, I have no idea why, it just was. I eventually rolled out of bed and followed him downstairs. He made me two slices of toast and butter and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate them. We soon finished them and I noticed we had less than twenty minutes together. I helped him wash up the plates and cutlery then we went outside to have a smoke. Well, when I say we, I mean he had a smoke and I watched him. It was snowing when we got outside so we sat on the bench near the end of the garden. It had a tree dangling over the top of it so we were kept dry. He leaned against me and propped up his feet on the armrest.
“I’m gonna to miss you so much when I’m away”
“I’m going to miss so much more” I replied.
He pulled out his digital camera and asked if he could take a photograph of us, of course I agreed. I get really panicky when people take photos of me because I never know if I should smile or not. I decided that for this picture I should smile, because I’m happy inside so I should show it. That sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true. I think he took about 20 different pictures at different angles and lengths, I hope I looked all right on them. He then asked me for my address, I asked him why but he said it’s a surprise.

His mum called us from the house and said that they had to leave now; I looked over at Billy and made a sad face. I must have looked pretty stupid because I was freezing and I couldn’t really move my face much. We kissed goodbye there and then because we couldn’t really do it in front of his parents. I stood and watched them drive away in the car, and that was it. No more Billy until next week.

James.